Why 4imprint is a thing

 

Want those clients to use your company again and again?  Well, you could provide quality service at a good price.  But let's face it- that requires effort, and considering your planned profit margin it's probably not especially practical, either.  So give them the next best thing- a coffee mug with the name of your company stamped on it.  Or maybe a beer can cozy.  Or a pen.  That will "wow" them.  For sure.

Want to keep those employees happy?  Well, you could provide decent pay and a pension plan and paid vacations and flexible hours and maybe even bring back that work-from-home option that worked so well during the Bad Times of 2020.  But again- you've got that profit margin to consider, and all that sounds like a lot of effort and expense.  So give them the next best thing- maybe a tote bag with the name of the company they work at stitched into the side.  And I bet they drink coffee, too- so again, maybe go with those mugs.  That stuff will "wow" them.  For sure.  

I will congratulate that grinning idiot woman assuring the panicky other idiot woman that she's "4imprint certain" because she works for 4imprint.  That's a very brave front she's presenting there, and it's almost believable that she doesn't want to put a bullet through her brain and put an end to the terrible disappointment that her life has become.   Sorry, got a little dark there- but come on.  She did NOT go to college planning to land in THIS job.

Campbell's Cheddar Cheese Soup Commercial leaves me with a number of questions

 

So macaroni and cheese in the box isn't easy enough for you?  You're going to just pour cheddar cheese-flavored soup all over macaroni and bake it?  You think that makes it "homemade?"  I mean, sure it didn't arrive at the door via Uber Eats courtesy of a kid on a bike, but still.  Come on.

Speaking of lazy- you're not even going to put that mess into a bowl for your kid?  You're just going to have her eat out of the baking dish trough?  There's got to be a dozen servings there.  And is this the whole meal?  What the actual hell am I looking at here?

This Pepperidge Farm Commercial makes me want to hurt someone

 

(Specifically, the two people in this ad, which is running roughly every ten freaking minutes on several of the televisions at my local Planet Fitness and would probably be even more cringey if I could hear whatever awkward weirdness these two idiots are stammering at each other.)  Fortunately, PF is a No Judgement Zone so they won't throw you out for repeatedly yelling "OH MY GOD GET A FREAKING BOWL!" roughly every ten minutes, either.

This VISA Commercial makes Negative Sense

 

So the sight of a clunky old typewriter in a pawn shop inspires this woman to become a writer?  Is it safe to assume that if this commercial took place in the 1970s, she'd be starting her "writing career*" by purchasing a number of quill pens and jars of ink?  

How long does she think that typewriter is going to last before it needs a new ribbon- and where is she going to find that?  How long is the charm of a noisy, user-unfriendly, heavy chunk of metal with keys that jam every few sentences and a very lame back-erase feature (and another tape that has to be replaced) going to hold up?  How long before this woman remembers that it's 2025 and we've got light laptops and printers now?  How long before she realizes that the stupid typewriter might as well have a disclaimer that reads TALENT NOT INCLUDED?  How long before she realizes that if she wants anyone to actually read her travel journal (instead of the four million travel journals already available on YouTube, Tiktok ,etc.) she's going to have to digitize it anyway, making the whole tappa tappa tappa typing thing just a stupid, pretentious extra step that would impress absolutely nobody even if they were told about it?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go my neighborhood pawn shop (I live in suburban Maryland.  There are at least five pawn shops within a five-minute drive) and pick up a guitar so I can start my career as a rock star.  Because that's how that works.

*I believe it was a Woody Allen character who critiqued the work of a wannabee novelist by remarking "that's not writing, that's typing."  Whoever did say this, he was exactly right; battering away on a typewriter doesn't make one a writer any more than traveling to other countries makes one interesting.  Try harder, lady.

Verizon Fios wants to cash in on unhealthy behavior

 

Obsession(n):  an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on one's mind. 

This, to Verizon Fios, is a GOOD thing.  And Verizon has got you covered, whatever your "obsession," as long as that Obsession involves being immobile on the couch staring at a glowing box and getting no fresh air or exercise or engaging in any actual social activity whatsoever.  

Yeah, we are totally screwed.

I understand nothing about this Burger King Ad

 

As near as I can tell, what we're seeing is four or five Adults of Diversity playing a board game on a table decorated with rapidly-cooling junk food someone brought in (Uber Eats?) from Burger King.  I guess at some point, the black woman has a temporary victory which causes her to go into a little dance, but it's only a temporary victory because at the end we see Not Bryce Howard being crowned with a greasy piece of cardboard so I guess she actually won the game- and meanwhile, that food hasn't been touched at all.  Which means it's cold.  Cold food from Burger King; if this is "ruling," I'll continue to refuse to participate in this political system, thanks anyway.

Seriously, though.  Why is that food even there?  Nobody really seems interested in consuming any of it.  At the end, at least pop the junk into the microwave.  I mean, yuck.

I guess "Land Whale" was taken, Toyota?

 

Can we agree that "Land Cruiser" is the most pretentious name Toyota could possibly have invented to label this more recent version of Gas-Guzzling, Parking-Space Straddling, Bank Account-draining Suburban Grocery Hauler?

I'll give Toyota a little credit for truth in advertising, at least- "Land Cruiser" suggests that this thing is basically a passenger ship that glides over pavement* instead of water.  It's not a car, it's not a truck, it's a freaking Boat.  It doesn't roll, it Cruises.  It's massive.  We get it, Toyota.  And yet, we don't get it at all.  Why IS this even a thing?

*We all know that not one person in a thousand who purchases one of these land-dwelling dirigibles is actually going to get it dirty with intent.  These things are going to be used to bring kids to soccer practice on Saturday and everything else home from Costco on Sunday.  Give me a break.