Why the hell is Shaquille O'Neal pitching a Buy Now Pay Later service? Did his contract with Gold Bond Medicated Lotion end? Has The General Insurance stopped calling? Is he really this addicted to quick money available to famous people willing to pitch ANYTHING? Does he have too much "integrity" to whore for CarShield or Fake Medicare "add on" insurance?
All that being said- there are a lot of "Buy Now Pay Later is Ruining Finances" and "AfterPay, Klarna and other BNPL plans will destroy your life" stories out there. As a proper curmudgeon, I have just one reply to that: Claiming that Buy Now, Pay Later destroyed your finances is like saying that the bowl of candy in the breakroom destroyed your diet. Nobody makes you click that option, you ridiculous, financially illiterate idiots.
Heck, if you're a boomer, you probably even remember when "meme" wasn't a meme.
But being a big professional boxing fan for more than forty years now (I actually got see a boxing card live about 25 years ago, that was a very cool experience) this boomer has no problem remembering when Mike Tyson was one of those athletes whose fame transcended the sport he participated in. When he was every bit as recognizable as Manning, Mahomes, and Ohtani are today. When you think about the current state of boxing- with circus acts like Jake Paul taking up as much or even more media space as any of the actual champions (I bet more people can recognize Paul, who has yet to fight an actual boxer who isn't a joke or elderly,* than can recognize Alexander Usyk, the undefeated heavyweight champion of the world,) it's pretty remarkable that there was a time when the face of the heavyweight champion was almost universally known and when films about a heavyweight champion regularly dominated the box office. How times have changed.
And how the mighty have fallen. In the mid-1980s, Mike Tyson was making fun, lighthearted commercials for Pepsi. In the mid-2020s, he's pitching something called "Dr. Squatch" in commercials that can only be made weirder if you watch them without sound (which I did, on big screens at my gym. I had no idea what I was looking at, except that Mike Tyson was acting like he's acted at least since Lennox Lewis made him look like a bald punching bag back at the dawn of this century- a clown, or a cartoon character, or both.
*Paul's last joke opponent? Mike Tyson. Of course.
Want those clients to use your company again and again? Well, you could provide quality service at a good price. But let's face it- that requires effort, and considering your planned profit margin it's probably not especially practical, either. So give them the next best thing- a coffee mug with the name of your company stamped on it. Or maybe a beer can cozy. Or a pen. That will "wow" them. For sure.
Want to keep those employees happy? Well, you could provide decent pay and a pension plan and paid vacations and flexible hours and maybe even bring back that work-from-home option that worked so well during the Bad Times of 2020. But again- you've got that profit margin to consider, and all that sounds like a lot of effort and expense. So give them the next best thing- maybe a tote bag with the name of the company they work at stitched into the side. And I bet they drink coffee, too- so again, maybe go with those mugs. That stuff will "wow" them. For sure.
I will congratulate that grinning idiot woman assuring the panicky other idiot woman that she's "4imprint certain" because she works for 4imprint. That's a very brave front she's presenting there, and it's almost believable that she doesn't want to put a bullet through her brain and put an end to the terrible disappointment that her life has become. Sorry, got a little dark there- but come on. She did NOT go to college planning to land in THIS job.
So macaroni and cheese in the box isn't easy enough for you? You're going to just pour cheddar cheese-flavored soup all over macaroni and bake it? You think that makes it "homemade?" I mean, sure it didn't arrive at the door via Uber Eats courtesy of a kid on a bike, but still. Come on.
Speaking of lazy- you're not even going to put that mess into a bowl for your kid? You're just going to have her eat out of the baking dish trough? There's got to be a dozen servings there. And is this the whole meal? What the actual hell am I looking at here?
(Specifically, the two people in this ad, which is running roughly every ten freaking minutes on several of the televisions at my local Planet Fitness and would probably be even more cringey if I could hear whatever awkward weirdness these two idiots are stammering at each other.) Fortunately, PF is a No Judgement Zone so they won't throw you out for repeatedly yelling "OH MY GOD GET A FREAKING BOWL!" roughly every ten minutes, either.
So the sight of a clunky old typewriter in a pawn shop inspires this woman to become a writer? Is it safe to assume that if this commercial took place in the 1970s, she'd be starting her "writing career*" by purchasing a number of quill pens and jars of ink?
How long does she think that typewriter is going to last before it needs a new ribbon- and where is she going to find that? How long is the charm of a noisy, user-unfriendly, heavy chunk of metal with keys that jam every few sentences and a very lame back-erase feature (and another tape that has to be replaced) going to hold up? How long before this woman remembers that it's 2025 and we've got light laptops and printers now? How long before she realizes that the stupid typewriter might as well have a disclaimer that reads TALENT NOT INCLUDED? How long before she realizes that if she wants anyone to actually read her travel journal (instead of the four million travel journals already available on YouTube, Tiktok ,etc.) she's going to have to digitize it anyway, making the whole tappa tappa tappa typing thing just a stupid, pretentious extra step that would impress absolutely nobody even if they were told about it?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go my neighborhood pawn shop (I live in suburban Maryland. There are at least five pawn shops within a five-minute drive) and pick up a guitar so I can start my career as a rock star. Because that's how that works.
*I believe it was a Woody Allen character who critiqued the work of a wannabee novelist by remarking "that's not writing, that's typing." Whoever did say this, he was exactly right; battering away on a typewriter doesn't make one a writer any more than traveling to other countries makes one interesting. Try harder, lady.
Obsession(n): an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on one's mind.
This, to Verizon Fios, is a GOOD thing. And Verizon has got you covered, whatever your "obsession," as long as that Obsession involves being immobile on the couch staring at a glowing box and getting no fresh air or exercise or engaging in any actual social activity whatsoever.
